We were going to do something in the kitchen, it ended up being “paint our faces with lipstick”, but there was a problem:
The chairs..

There were two kid-sized chairs at the table;  a blue plastic one, and a wooden pink one.
Both kids wanted the pink one. It went from that statement into emotional statements, and I realized we needed to interfere or there would be tears.

I have troubles knowing how to deal with children’s rights to their own belongings. Or, not really..
If I give something to Aspiekid, it belongs to her. Hers to decide over.
But I have told her that I have a few rules.
If she wants to discard of a toy or some other belongings, I want her to ask me first, in case it is something that has sentimental value to me. If my grandmother made it, she is not allowed to give it way, for instance. Or I might know of someone who needs whatever it is when she is done with it.

So, when children comes along, I have told her that they must be allowed to play, that is just a rule, so there is no discussion. But SHE is allowed to decide what toys they can use. I think that is pretty fair. When somebody visits you, you decide which room you bring them to, what cups they drink from, what food they can eat. They can’t just pick a book or photo album or browse through the files on your computer. Nor do they get to try your clothes unless you offer it.

So, always offer something to play with.

I don’t mind buying specific “playdate toys” if needed for a child with problems lending their stuff to others. They know that in waiting rooms and day care centers, there is box with toys that are not theirs, but for all kids to play with. There can be such a box also in your home.

So, here we are in the kitchen, and the pink chair is in fact Aspiekids belonging. But Visiting Friend is a guest. And guests are to be made to feel welcome. They get the first slice of cake, and they get toys, and they definately need a place to sit.

Other Mother was just about to step in with a wise decision, when I decided to let the kids try to handle it first.

First, try to state the problem, just in case you have no idea what they are in fact fighting over – we often misunderstand that.
“Ok, it seems like we have a problem. You both want to sit in the pink chair, but there is only one. Now what do we do?”

It took only a few seconds for Aspiekid to come up with a creative but obvious solution:
“We can pretend that this one is pink too!” she said, and happily climbed it, and they went on to do what we had planned.

OtherMother was so baffled she didn’t speak. And later, she referred to it on numeral occasions. She had never thought of the idea of letting young children find solutions themselves, or that the situatiuon could be solved in a way with no winner or loser. She would have decided for them. Stating one basic rule or another, or just referring to her role as arbiter in the case between them.

I think this is what parenting should be about. Finding out if you can help the kids to focus on what may actually be the problematic situation, ask them to solve it, and, if needed, help them get tools for fixing the problem.

Kids are known to be imaginative and creative. Use it!

You give your child points for doing the right thing. And later, they can use their points towards a reward.

I don’t mind rewards and a bit of bribery, but I basically think every family member needs to do their bit of whatever it taks for the family to get along as nicely as possible. No special rewards should need to be paid. However: I do request rewards for my work.
If I make dinner, I demand Aspiekid to tell me how delicious it was, if it was. If it wasn’t, I still want to hear her express some gratitude for the time and effort it took. So, yes, rewarding is a large part of social interaction, also when not reduced to points and monetary equivalents to praise.

I decided to use a reward system.

We had a whiteboard with the current and next week on it, where we wrote down important stuff: One row for me, one for her.
So, I told her that for each day she did whatever it was back then that I needed to encourage her to do, I think it was to brush her teeth and get ready for school, I would draw a smiley on that day on her whiteboard calendar.
But what I felt was MORE important, for a whole bunch of reasons, was that I asked her to do the same for me.
She got to help me decide on the two most important things that I needed encouragement in improving.

So, every day, we went to the whiteboard and very briefly decided if we’d get our smileys or not.

I think these systems far to often are only directed from the parent to the child.

Doing it this way, if you don’t see the great reasons right away, are that it turns the thing into a kind of roleplay:
You will both understand it better. The feeling of getting someone decide what chores you are to perform, rate it, and reward you or not reward you, is something a lot of parents need to experience for themselves, rather than just exposing others to it. The act of deciding what actions are good for the family or the individual is a great way to get the grips of how the things you do effects others – and what to prioritize. If I remember correctly, the first task we gave me had to do with getting the table look nice and neat after breakfast. Being reciprocal is not just about doing things in a pedagogical way – it is simply a question of fairness. And, we need to face this: Our kids know us really well. If your kid decide she will rate you according to well you succeed in not yelling at her, you might learn things about yourself  you decided not to know!

What if Aspiekid needs her privacy, mom wants her to have her privacy, but mom is overenthusiastically dashing into Aspiekids room anyway?

We first tried teaching Aspimum (that’s me) to respect a closed door:
Knock, wait for a reply, then enter.

Nope, only worked whwn mum wasn’t hyperactive, and just HAD to serve tea immediately..

Then, how about a locked door? Yup. Works excellent, and Aspiekid has no problems respecting the “no locked doors when we are asleep”-rule maintained in case of fires or similar emergencies.

Except for three small problems: Our cats.
How do you make it possible for three active cats to enter the locked room, without allowing Hyperactive Mum inside, and without making a cat door?

It turned out to be quite easy.
Hypermum doesn’t stop to read any signs, but a physical barrier gets the message across!

A length of rope was attached to the wall next to the door,  and tied to the door handle.
Long enough to keep the door ajar, for the cats, but for the door to allow some seclusion.

Two loops were mede on the rope so that the door can be “locked” in two positions.

Result:
Aspiemom in hypermode stops when seeing the rope, and acts as if the door was closed (long rope) or locked (short rope).

Tada!

Kids knows tht billions are BIG numbers. But they have no idea that should intimidate them. As soon as we could add two cows to one cow, Hannah could add two billions to one billion. That is how easy it is to make friends with he big numbers.

Two “thousands” are as easily subtracted from four of them, as if they were apples.

So, by adding the to a toddlers counting practices and vocabulary the not clearly defined names for LARGE numbers, they can excel in heir counting skills!

4″hondred thousand” plus two “hundred thousand”? Piece of cace!

We just made sure to check what happens if you have one “cow” and add two “goats”. Hm. Not much, numberwise… And you can’t subtract one horse fron three flies either. 

So, what happens if you add a  ”hundred” to four “thousand”?

Now, thats maths for older kids. One “hundred” and one “thousand” – is that “one thousand one hundred” or “one hundred thousand”?

Let’s skip tht until you helped your kid knowing the series of bigies: ten, hundred, thousand, million, billion, etc….

If your kid is an Aspie, it might love numbers from the very beginning. Or not. So, liking them, of course we played number games…

Counting starts in the early rhyming games. Lots of kids knows the number series, the “one. two, three, four…” long before they know it’s numbers. But once they start realizing a numbername means there is a certain amount of something, it is time to play!

Most kids think at first that counting means giving names to objects.

If you put four raisins in front of the child, and count them, “one, two, three, four”, and then remove the last one, the kid will be able to tell you there are three left. BUT:

If instead you remove the first one, your kid my tell you there are four! Why? Number four is still there on the table! As long as the raisin called “four” is there, the “correct answer” is four, in their mind.

I tested something else, which also gives you a clue of your kids sense of numbers and magic.

Your kid may know that 2+3 equals 5.

So, lets test it!

Take a cup, cover it with a saucer. Let the kid count two raisins and put them in the cup. Next, tell them we will add three more… Without looking under the lid, let the kid count three more and drop them inside.

Now… How mny raisins are in the cup?

It’s interesting how a child who can add large numbers when you give them a question, can, at the same time, guess so freely at the result in the cup. It may be one. Or twenty! If your kid is fluent at “word math”, then doing the raisin game, both adding and subtracting from the hidden cup, my help them get a hang on the relationship between the wonderfully abstract world of numbers, and the world it represents!

Just dont TELL them they are worng. Just let them see how many were there. And eat them! Math tastes sweet!

Hence: The “What? How on earth did you KNOW that? – game”!

Hannah isn’t a native English speaker. But at three, she liked words. Any way a word would have presented itself to her, she would have learned it. However, I still invented this game since english words were not generally available around her, and I didn’t want to “teach” her stuff – that would be boring…

We sat at a table. I asked her stuff, in english:

What colour is this? And pointed at something red.

Then, theatrically, as if we were in on a conspiration together, this invisible playmate-me and her, I whispered really loudly:”red!”

Changing the position and the voice to make it clear that this was not the same figure in the game as the one who had asked the question.

Hannah replied “Red!!!”. Then, I had to make a great show out of being overwhelmed by surprise. What? You know colors in english? How can that be? You are only thre years old! Now I’m gonna give you a question you can NOT answer! What color is this?”

…and each time her little collaborator bent forward to let her know the answers. She was thrilled! Knowing grown up stuff, fooling her mum, winning every time. This was great!

Hannah lerant her colors and heps of other stuff. Of course, she simultaneously learnt about trickery. About what they call theory of mind: the ability to reason about wht other people know and don’t know.

Quite obviously the “questionasker” I played, had no idea she was cheating, and she knew this, and knew I knew it, but it still worked, since it is a game. A fun game. Not all ASD-kids will understand how this game is played, but if they do, it is very rewarding to have the right answers to all questions!

This is also how we teached maths: By making her know the huge numbers long before she should be able to calculate them. But thats will be in a later section!

People with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorders, where Asperger belongs) usually have problems recognizing and understanding nonverbal cues: Your tone of voice, your body language. It is, to them, a mystery why and how people say things without SAYING them.

Lots of them also lack the ability to use these cues, both intentionally and unintentionally.

I didn’t know this. All I knew was, the whining put me off.

Situation:

Hannah comes into the kitchen, and wants a glass of milk. So, she calls out, in a rather unpleasant tone:

- Why am I not getting any milk?

At first I tried explaining to her. She could have all the milk she ever wanted. She just had to let me know she wanted it. Preferably by FIRST asking: Can I have some milk, please?

If, after that, she STILL didn’t get any, it might be appropriate to whine about it.

Explaining didn’t seem to do the trick. She still whined. So, I decided to “name it”. To let her understand what it was I didn’t like. And to make sure she really could understand, I made up a game.

This, hence, is the voice game!

Hannah comes in, and calls out her milkrequest. Hm, I say. Can you say that with the happy voice?

And, with a very exaggerated happy voice, intonation, and general holeheartedness, I called out:

- I want a glass of milk!

Or…. With the scared voice? New theatrical improvisation.

Hannah catches on quickly. We try all kinds of voices, all the ones we can think of, the angry one is the funniest. I end it by asking her to ask for the milk with her happy voice.

Next, every time I have the energy, and she whines, I play the voice game with her, and make sure I serve the milk after one of her attempts at sounding sunny. And she is brilliant at it, finding all the stuff that makes you see how ngry or irritted or tired she is. I also make sure to name the “whining” voice for her, so she understands what I mean when I later tell her: You are whining, honey. Please don’t do that.

This is one of her favourite games. And, it taught me, who was scared of not being the always loving image of a mother, that to her, expressions of anger and such, didn’t scare her, just me:

We were at my mother’s house, and dinner was ready. I called her to the table. No response, she was sitting on the sofa watching telly. I called again with just as little response.

After my third call, we could hear her calling back from the living room:

You have to call with the STERN voice, mummy!

This is a selection of little stories I have been told may help other parents, with or without Asperger, of children, with or without Asperger.

Hm. I guess hat was it!