Aspiekid was about 4 or 5 years old when we had a visitor at the same age, and her mom, over.
We were going to do something in the kitchen, it ended up being “paint our faces with lipstick”, but there was a problem:
The chairs..
There were two kid-sized chairs at the table; a blue plastic one, and a wooden pink one.
Both kids wanted the pink one. It went from that statement into emotional statements, and I realized we needed to interfere or there would be tears.
I have troubles knowing how to deal with children’s rights to their own belongings. Or, not really..
If I give something to Aspiekid, it belongs to her. Hers to decide over.
But I have told her that I have a few rules.
If she wants to discard of a toy or some other belongings, I want her to ask me first, in case it is something that has sentimental value to me. If my grandmother made it, she is not allowed to give it way, for instance. Or I might know of someone who needs whatever it is when she is done with it.
So, when children comes along, I have told her that they must be allowed to play, that is just a rule, so there is no discussion. But SHE is allowed to decide what toys they can use. I think that is pretty fair. When somebody visits you, you decide which room you bring them to, what cups they drink from, what food they can eat. They can’t just pick a book or photo album or browse through the files on your computer. Nor do they get to try your clothes unless you offer it.
So, always offer something to play with.
I don’t mind buying specific “playdate toys” if needed for a child with problems lending their stuff to others. They know that in waiting rooms and day care centers, there is box with toys that are not theirs, but for all kids to play with. There can be such a box also in your home.
So, here we are in the kitchen, and the pink chair is in fact Aspiekids belonging. But Visiting Friend is a guest. And guests are to be made to feel welcome. They get the first slice of cake, and they get toys, and they definately need a place to sit.
Other Mother was just about to step in with a wise decision, when I decided to let the kids try to handle it first.
First, try to state the problem, just in case you have no idea what they are in fact fighting over – we often misunderstand that.
“Ok, it seems like we have a problem. You both want to sit in the pink chair, but there is only one. Now what do we do?”
It took only a few seconds for Aspiekid to come up with a creative but obvious solution:
“We can pretend that this one is pink too!” she said, and happily climbed it, and they went on to do what we had planned.
OtherMother was so baffled she didn’t speak. And later, she referred to it on numeral occasions. She had never thought of the idea of letting young children find solutions themselves, or that the situatiuon could be solved in a way with no winner or loser. She would have decided for them. Stating one basic rule or another, or just referring to her role as arbiter in the case between them.
I think this is what parenting should be about. Finding out if you can help the kids to focus on what may actually be the problematic situation, ask them to solve it, and, if needed, help them get tools for fixing the problem.
Kids are known to be imaginative and creative. Use it!
