Creative Problemsolving – About Pink Chairs

Aspiekid was about 4 or 5 years old when we had a visitor at the same age, and her mom, over.

We were going to do something in the kitchen, it ended up being “paint our faces with lipstick”, but there was a problem:
The chairs..

There were two kid-sized chairs at the table;  a blue plastic one, and a wooden pink one.
Both kids wanted the pink one. It went from that statement into emotional statements, and I realized we needed to interfere or there would be tears.

I have troubles knowing how to deal with children’s rights to their own belongings. Or, not really..
If I give something to Aspiekid, it belongs to her. Hers to decide over.
But I have told her that I have a few rules.
If she wants to discard of a toy or some other belongings, I want her to ask me first, in case it is something that has sentimental value to me. If my grandmother made it, she is not allowed to give it way, for instance. Or I might know of someone who needs whatever it is when she is done with it.

So, when children comes along, I have told her that they must be allowed to play, that is just a rule, so there is no discussion. But SHE is allowed to decide what toys they can use. I think that is pretty fair. When somebody visits you, you decide which room you bring them to, what cups they drink from, what food they can eat. They can’t just pick a book or photo album or browse through the files on your computer. Nor do they get to try your clothes unless you offer it.

So, always offer something to play with.

I don’t mind buying specific “playdate toys” if needed for a child with problems lending their stuff to others. They know that in waiting rooms and day care centers, there is box with toys that are not theirs, but for all kids to play with. There can be such a box also in your home.

So, here we are in the kitchen, and the pink chair is in fact Aspiekids belonging. But Visiting Friend is a guest. And guests are to be made to feel welcome. They get the first slice of cake, and they get toys, and they definately need a place to sit.

Other Mother was just about to step in with a wise decision, when I decided to let the kids try to handle it first.

First, try to state the problem, just in case you have no idea what they are in fact fighting over – we often misunderstand that.
“Ok, it seems like we have a problem. You both want to sit in the pink chair, but there is only one. Now what do we do?”

It took only a few seconds for Aspiekid to come up with a creative but obvious solution:
“We can pretend that this one is pink too!” she said, and happily climbed it, and they went on to do what we had planned.

OtherMother was so baffled she didn’t speak. And later, she referred to it on numeral occasions. She had never thought of the idea of letting young children find solutions themselves, or that the situatiuon could be solved in a way with no winner or loser. She would have decided for them. Stating one basic rule or another, or just referring to her role as arbiter in the case between them.

I think this is what parenting should be about. Finding out if you can help the kids to focus on what may actually be the problematic situation, ask them to solve it, and, if needed, help them get tools for fixing the problem.

Kids are known to be imaginative and creative. Use it!

Awarding Points

Some  “behaviour modification”-systems include rewards.

You give your child points for doing the right thing. And later, they can use their points towards a reward.

I don’t mind rewards and a bit of bribery, but I basically think every family member needs to do their bit of whatever it taks for the family to get along as nicely as possible. No special rewards should need to be paid. However: I do request rewards for my work.
If I make dinner, I demand Aspiekid to tell me how delicious it was, if it was. If it wasn’t, I still want to hear her express some gratitude for the time and effort it took. So, yes, rewarding is a large part of social interaction, also when not reduced to points and monetary equivalents to praise.

I decided to use a reward system.

We had a whiteboard with the current and next week on it, where we wrote down important stuff: One row for me, one for her.
So, I told her that for each day she did whatever it was back then that I needed to encourage her to do, I think it was to brush her teeth and get ready for school, I would draw a smiley on that day on her whiteboard calendar.
But what I felt was MORE important, for a whole bunch of reasons, was that I asked her to do the same for me.
She got to help me decide on the two most important things that I needed encouragement in improving.

So, every day, we went to the whiteboard and very briefly decided if we’d get our smileys or not.

I think these systems far to often are only directed from the parent to the child.

Doing it this way, if you don’t see the great reasons right away, are that it turns the thing into a kind of roleplay:
You will both understand it better. The feeling of getting someone decide what chores you are to perform, rate it, and reward you or not reward you, is something a lot of parents need to experience for themselves, rather than just exposing others to it. The act of deciding what actions are good for the family or the individual is a great way to get the grips of how the things you do effects others – and what to prioritize. If I remember correctly, the first task we gave me had to do with getting the table look nice and neat after breakfast. Being reciprocal is not just about doing things in a pedagogical way – it is simply a question of fairness. And, we need to face this: Our kids know us really well. If your kid decide she will rate you according to well you succeed in not yelling at her, you might learn things about yourself  you decided not to know!

Mum is not allowed in my room: Respecting privacy.

Here’s a tricky one:

What if Aspiekid needs her privacy, mom wants her to have her privacy, but mom is overenthusiastically dashing into Aspiekids room anyway?

We first tried teaching Aspimum (that’s me) to respect a closed door:
Knock, wait for a reply, then enter.

Nope, only worked whwn mum wasn’t hyperactive, and just HAD to serve tea immediately..

Then, how about a locked door? Yup. Works excellent, and Aspiekid has no problems respecting the “no locked doors when we are asleep”-rule maintained in case of fires or similar emergencies.

Except for three small problems: Our cats.
How do you make it possible for three active cats to enter the locked room, without allowing Hyperactive Mum inside, and without making a cat door?

It turned out to be quite easy.
Hypermum doesn’t stop to read any signs, but a physical barrier gets the message across!

A length of rope was attached to the wall next to the door,  and tied to the door handle.
Long enough to keep the door ajar, for the cats, but for the door to allow some seclusion.

Two loops were mede on the rope so that the door can be “locked” in two positions.

Result:
Aspiemom in hypermode stops when seeing the rope, and acts as if the door was closed (long rope) or locked (short rope).

Tada!